Would you Like to Help an Army Marriage?

It's one thing to be reading a USA Today article on the rising divorce rates among servicemembers while in the Atlanta Airport waiting for the plane here. It's quite another to watch a 22 year old young man sob, soiled after a 14 hour night mission, after he's just been informed the divorce papers are waiting for him when he gets home to what used to be a happy, suburban family. I send up a silent prayer to God thanking him for the most precious woman I could've ever dreamed for.. Miranda Jean Atkins and especially for HER warrior spirit and HER intimacy, encouragement, thoughtfulness, and steadfastness during this time in our relationship.

For three days straight I hear the story surface in at least 14 male soldier's lives who came into the program for counseling... that of broken hearts. In one case, a good worker, a strong soldier, a man who loves his wife and three little boys, learns that the stressors of repeated combat tours has become too much for his wife. He is a Cavalry soldier... a rank with traditions ranging back to our Army fighting on horseback. "Stay Cav" is the motto of these dedicated and strongly trained soldiers. With tears in his eyes, he shares that in the past five years, he has only been home for 2 of them, split into three 7 months gaps which consisted of primarily ramping up for the next 12 month Iraq mission. He informs he doesn't even know his 1 1/2 year old, who was born one month before this deployment began. "She says she's fallen out of Love with me... but then that she's confused and doesn't know if we can have a future.. doesn't know if she can take this stress anymore". In another case, a more seasoned soldier finds now in the middle of his first deployment, his wife has wandered... and slept with another man. Though she wishes to stay with him, and expresses remorse, he doesn't know if he can do it... if he can go back to a tainted bed... to an unfaithful heart that he needed so desperately to Love with all of his heart at his lowest points as the Platoon Sergeant, leading 40 young men every night into enemy territory outside the wire. Now, with the weight of America's young men on his shoulders, and the broken heart in the aftermath of unfaithfulness, he trys to find hope in our words together. I challenge him to count his blessings, to reframe the situation, change his perception, stay active and involved in self-care, combat the depression and negative thoughts.... the same drill of cognitive behavioral strategies I have begun to use over and over and over with these young men, as my Psychiatrist colleagues work with them in a Pharmacological manner.. something, anything to take the edge off. In some of their cases, not even interventions like ours involving physical and cognitive gymnastics will be able to alleviate the natural depression of losing the love of your life.

Four days go by. 20 cases involving marital issues and pending divorces. Coincidentally, almost every single soldier informs me in haunting repetition of one another.. "I've served my time. I'm not re-enlisting. It's time for me to get back to being a father to my children. Goodbye Army". "The Army is My Job... by it's not my life. I've been here four times already and personally, that's three times too many", a 23 year old infantry soldier informs me, after sharing that something bad happened last week. He shot and killed an Iraqi "insurgent". He looks barely 18, and definitely not old enough to have spent 4 of his young years in a middle eastern combat zone.

I do a quick search outside of this pressure cooker of an alternate universe to see what I can find as an explanation for it all.

"Defense Department officials in 2005 had announced a huge jump in the divorce rate, saying cases doubled from 5,658 to 10,477 between 2001 and 2004 among active-duty Army officers and enlisted personnel. "

"Army officials reported 10,477 divorces among the active-duty force in fiscal 2004, a number that's climbed steadily over the past five years. In fiscal 2003, the Army reported fewer than 7,500 divorces; in 2002, just over 7,000, and in 2001, about 5,600. "

Numbers, numbers, numbers. Well, it's 2007 now in Iraq, and I've just learned something horrific. A young man at our base has just pulled the trigger of his 9mm while holding it to his temple, after learning his wife had multiple affairs during his first very intense combat tour.
No Divorce certificate available to track. Suicide statistics for soldiers in Iraq in 2007 just rose by one. For me, knowing the dynamics of the case... a 3 year old little girl just lost her daddy.

Last straw... time to do something about it.

Since I've not the power to end this conflict, reduce troop numbers, or to reduce deployment times (which were just increased from 12 to 15 months for all active duty soldiers), I, instead am beginning a "Long Distance Relationships" group. If these soldiers can begin connecting emotionally with their spouse from afar in month 1.. my prayer is that they will be able to maintain intimacy, communication, active listening, empathy, and commtiment from afar in months, 6, 12, and hopefully by month 15... return to one another's arms having been refined by the fire. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, however this place can potentially have a reverse effect unless a relationship is worked on. Deployments can make the heart wander.

I turn to the work of Dr. John Gottman, marital researcher out of the University of Washington, and find the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide. That's exactly what these young couple's need preventatively BEFORE the explosive break-up... principles, and a practical guide! John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

I've designed a group for the soldiers here. Tuesday, December 11 will be our first meeting. It's a discussion group, called "Long Distance Relationships". In this 7 week group, we will go over Gottman's 7 principles in the book together with these soldiers. Principles like "Nurture your Fondness and Admiration", and "Turn Towards Each Other...not away". It IS possible to turn towards one's spouse.. even if they are a half a world apart. Their spouses, at home, also having a copy of the book, will go over the same information, and together, from afar, complete the relationship building activities for emotional connectedness.

The problem is, as you may guess, we need more books.

If you would like to partner in helping soldiers and their spouses connect with one another as we enter the new year.. and in the process possibly help save a marriage, here's your opportunity.

The book can be purchased new at $10.17 or used at around $6-$7 at
http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

Please mail one (or as many copies as you can afford this Christmas) to:

CPT Chris Atkins
785th MC CSC
APO AE 09344


Meanwhile, my thoughts drift to my loving wife, as she is sick in bed at 3:15 a.m. her time, hopefully quietly sleeping. When she awakes, she has no help from me. She must take the children to school, carry heavy loads of laundry up the stairs while several months pregnant, take them to their multiple activities of piano, gymnastics, and other fun activities as she keeps them busy so their minds and hearts don't wander too much and allow a child's pain in missing their daddy half a world away. All the while, sending me regular love letters, a stocking for Christmas with presents crisply wrapped, and even sandals to replace my broken ones having been broken down by these rocks. She turns towards our relationship and not away, she nurtures me with fondness, she knows my Love language. She is proud of me, and expresses it. I pray that I may meet her needs in every way from this forsaken place.

I cling to her words for they provide hope, and in crashing reality I see how these young men contemplate suicide. In a place of such pain... Love is the only remnant for peace and hope.

Thank you, Sweetheart from your Soldier in Iraq. You give me such hope.

I will now share it.

Long Distance Relationships Discussion Group
December 11, 2007
1900 hrs
Camp Liberty Combat Stress Clinic
Girl Scout Cookies and Coffee are on us...

Godspeed, Soldier Marriages.

Godspeed.