It's been 7 weeks since I placed a small article on my blog appealing to those who may wish to donate the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, PhD. Perhaps only a few dozen people read the blog up until that point. How quickly I became aware of the power of lightning communication via the internet. Apparently family began sharing with friends who began sharing with more family and more friends. Suddenly books began arriving at the rate of 2-3 per day. A man in Waterford, Connecticut sent me in excess of 20 books all arriving within one day. My Aunt and Uncle in Dalton Georgia and my Aunt and Mother in Michigan sent us collectively over 25 books amongst them. My best friend Sgt. James Maddix's sister's MySpace friend and his Professional Motorcycle stunt group wrote an e-mail to the Gottman Institute and his team sponsored a book collection! Our unit Chaplain took the resources of the group along with the handouts to replicate the group at Balad Army/Air Force Base north of Baghdad to assist even more couples. A Chattanooga Times writer picked up on the story and wrote an article on the subject, linking the Greater Chattanooga area (our hometown) to my blog which appealed for more books! http://www.timesfreepress.com/news/2007/dec/23/Longdistance-relationships-strain-soldiers/ Heart-warming e-mails poured in from veterans from World Wars Past, Vietnam, Desert Storm, Operation Enduring Freedom (Afghanistan), and Iraqi Freedom. They told of their experiences in their long distance relationships and felt with every ounce of their being the journey our young soldier marriages are going through. Over 120 books have arrived to date. Over 60 couples have benefited from the exercise worksheets created, and each soldier and spouse given the book. Specialist Lindsey Gunning and myself have facilitated the groups for the past 7 weeks, and the final principle from the group, "Create Shared Meaning" was discussed. Each week, the soldiers in the group are given as well as e-mailed an exercise to supplements the reading. The spouses back home were e-mailed the exercises as well, and both in the relationship answered the questions and discussed the relationship enhancing material to aspire towards our goal of the "Emotionally Intelligent Couple".
Stories of couples drawing closer together and seeing a new horizon unfold in their relationship occured every week ,and spouses back home began e-mailing with stories of how they were seeing an increased sensitivity and attentiveness in their spouse and thanked those back home who donated the books. A special moment occured when during group discussion one day when a young male soldier announced, "My wife and I had a breakthrough.. we realized that what was lying behind all of our agitation was something kept inside of both of us that we weren't sharing with each other.... we were both afraid. Afraid of the future, afraid of what this third deployment was going to do to US. What we decided together was that WE could make US work.. and OUR Love could grow stronger by this. We became a team. Our Love will Overcome".
I resound my original call.... "Godspeed Army Marriages"... and thank the legions of Americans who are supporting our troops so vigorously from the states. No, America has not forgotten about the soldiers within this conflict. Many Americans don't support our troops being in Iraq, however they still support the troops still the same.
I think of a friend from the states who had expressed to me her views on nation's intense occupation in this country, but she sent a book and inscribed in a note attached, "Thank you for doing what you're doing. It's important work. Thank the soldiers too. Like I said before, no matter how any of us feel about the war, we support these men and women 100% and are very proud of them".
That's the spirit of America.
On Behalf of the Dozens of Couples who have asked me to pass this message along, I thank you for your enrichment of military marriages during this difficult time. You are appreciated and Loved. Your gift made a difference in the lives of two soldiers in Love.
Tina Heslip Tennessee From One Tennesseean to Another, Thanks!
Shalyn Schopp Laingsburg, Michigan Thanks for your Rockin' Supportiveness!
Michael Lane Ringgold, Georgia Thank you Michael.. our Southern Ally...
Aunt LeeAnn Heinert Kalamazoo, Michigan Thank you For Giving Ian His First Debut!
Alan & Rhonda Atkins Lansing, Michigan To an Army Marriage that has Triumphed...
Tracy Aichele Okemos, Michigan Home of the Spartans.. from Warriors Abroad
Nicole Krueger Lansing, Michigan Thank you For your Admirable Support...
Aimee Ragsdale Laingsburg, Michigan Thank you to the Wolfpack from MiddleEast
Aunt Beth Mullen Ringgold, Georgia Dreaming of Sailing from Iraq... Thank You.
David Gruben Waterford, Connecticut Thank You for an Incredibly Generous Gift...
Nancy St. Pierre North Royalton, Ohio Thank you Nancy from Iraq Marriages...
Lenette Sparacino Your Support and Love is Appreciated...
John Gottman Gottman Institute You Impact is More than you will ever know..
Belinda Gray Gottman Institute Your work impacts lives daily.. thank you..
Lee Donham http://www.americanwallofdeath.com/ Thank you for your service and support!
I would like to give a special thank you to Tom Lamers and Miranda Atkins.
Tom, your and Lindsey's pre-marital bliss was an energizing model for the group to aspire to as they rekindled the origins of their Love. Your Love is truly a forever Love.
Miranda, your beautiful and pure spirit, your cherishing me and Love and Compassion have filled me with Thanks and Joy and a passion for Life and expectation of the joys for our little Atkins family that lie ahead.
I pray that my Love for you has been infectious for the Love within these Army marriages. ;)
From a U.S. military Megabase on the Western Banks of Baghdad....
CPT Christopher Atkins, LCSW
785th Med Co. Combat Stress Control
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Camp Liberty, Iraq
p.s. Enjoy our final exercise from our first group ever below for YOUR enrichment. :)
Courtesy of John Gottman, Ph.D. Seven Principles for Making Making Marriage Work
Long Distance Relationships
Principle 7
Create Shared Meaning
Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making Love, it can also have a lot to do with sharing meaning together, an appreciation for the roles and goals that link you and lead you to understand what it means to be part of the family you have become. It’s developing a way of living together that brings both of your dreams together and honoring each other’s dreams even if you don’t share them.
The book brought up the point that a crucial goal of any marriage is to create conversations that encourage each person to talk honestly about his or her beliefs and convictions.
When you share your dreams with each other, and take the time to listen to each other’s dreams, it increases your friendship with one another.
There’s three things that can intensify sharing meaning with each other: rituals (traditions), roles, and goals.
Pick a few questions from one (or each) of the below areas and choose to each answer them separately.. then come together and share what you wrote, then discuss your responses together.
You will be presently surprised on what you may create together and greatly enhance your friendship and bond as a team.
Choose 3 questions from each exercise that stand out to you both in your relationship…
Exercise 1: Rituals
In the following exercise create your own ritual of connection by talking about what you want. Discuss what these traditions (or lack thereof) were like for you growing up, what the best times and the disasters were like for you. Then write down your tradition so you will know who is expected to do what and when. Make these traditions something you do regularly and can look forward to.
How do we or should be we eat together at dinner? What is the meaning of dinnertime? What was dinnertime like in each of our families growing up?
How should we part at the beginning of each day? What was this like in our families growing up? How should our reunions be?
How should bedtime be? What was it like in our families growing up? How do we want this time to be?
What is the meaning of the weekends? What were they like in our families growing up? What should they be like now?
What are our rituals about vacations? What were they like in our families growing up? What should they mean now?
Pick a meaningful holiday. What is the true meaning of this holiday to us? How should it be celebrated this year? How was it celebrated in each of our families growing up?
How do we each get refreshed and renewed? What is the meaning of these rituals?
What rituals do we have when someone is sick? What was this like in our families growing up? How should it be in our family?
Exercise 2: Your Roles in Your Life
The more you can talk to each other frankly about your deeply held views about your roles in life, the more you can decide what makes sense to your family.
How do you feel about your role as a husband or wife? What does this role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar or different? How would you like to change this role?
How do you feel about your role as a father or mother? What does this role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
How do you feel about your role as a son or daughter? What does this role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
How do you feel about your role as a worker (your occupation)? What does this role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
How do you feel about your role as a friend to others? What does this role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
How do you feel about your role in your community? What does this role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
How do you balance these roles in your life?
Exercise 3: GOALS
“Part of what makes life meaningful are the goals we strive to achieve. While we all have some very practical goals like earning a certain income we also have deeper, more spiritual goals. For one person the goal may be to find peace and healing after an abusive childhood. For another it may be to raise children who are good-hearted and generous.
Many times we don’t talk about our deepest goals. Sometimes we haven’t even asked ourselves these questions. But when we start, it gives us the opportunity to explore something that can have a profound impact on ourselves and our marriage”.
Explore with your spouse the meaning of goals in your individual lives and your marriage. Ask yourselves the following questions.
Write a “mission statement” of what your mission in life is. What would you like it to say?
What goals do you have in life, for yourself, for your spouse, for your children? What do you want to accomplish in the next five to ten years?
What is one life dream that you want to fulfill before you die?
We often fill our time with things that demand our immediate attention—putting out fires, so to speak. But what are the truly important things in your life that are great sources of energy and pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?
What is the role of spirituality in your lives? What was this role in your families growing up? How should this be in your family?
